41 Days

I graduate from college in 41 days. At this time (4:15 p.m.) a month from now, I will be sitting and waiting for my diploma. No more homework, exams finished, and my life as a college student over.

It's a good feeling. It's also terrifying. I understand school. We get each other. College has a few surprises every once in awhile but four years have made those surprises less intimidating. Now I'll be going out into the "real world" and I'll make new mistakes.

I hate the idea of making mistakes. In my mind, I would like to be perfect at whatever I set my mind to accomplishing. But I'm not perfect and that's scary.

I'm a good student, but am I a "good" adult? I will I make good choices, be excellent at my job, and be the dean's list type of person I am now?

I don't always dislike change. Some changes have been for the best and I can admit that; however, this transition from college student to functioning adult will be the hardest change yet. I need to find a job that's not on campus. I need to start paying bills and loans as well as save money for future education. When I go to graduate school, I'll need to find an apartment in a strange city. I've never lived by myself. I've never even lived somewhere where I have to pay rent every month.

I want to grow up and leave home and be independent; I'm just not sure that I will succeed. What if I fail at being independent? I realize that no one can be completely independent. In some way, we all have to rely on each other because we're people and that's kind of how this human being thing works. Yet I want to be one of those human beings that lives away from home.

I'm terrified of leaving home and I'm afraid of staying. It makes life a little stressful.

I guess I'll just deal with graduation for now and I'll see what comes next.